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The Broken Compass — How do abuse survivors know we deserve love?

The Broken Compass — How do abuse survivors know we deserve love? If your situation is anything like mine, your worries fell on deaf ears.  Everything felt wrong for as long as you could remember. You’d been searching for answers for months, or maybe for years. Then one day something occurred to you. Was this abuse? So you found a test online and took it.  It said you were likely being abused. Suddenly everything that had been tearing your insides apart for ages clicked into place. Everything made sense to you. Finally. But it fell on deaf ears. No one wanted to hear your bullshit. It wasn’t any of their business. They couldn’t choose sides. Maybe, like with one of my abuser’s enablers, you confided your plans to confront your abuser in them, and the only response they could be bothered to send you was a single thumbs up emoji, one that radiated contempt and disinterest. No acknowledgment. Complete refusal to engage your suffering. Person after person, that’s the same respons...
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Five Minutes

I can’t focus. Leaping from thing to thing Looking for solid ground Desperate for something to hold me down To keep me from floating off the surface of this earth Into the crushing void of space. Sick to my stomach Paralyzed The world is crashing in around me And I can’t convince myself To put down my phone. The world is crashing in around me And I get get the voices in my head To shut the fuck up For five fucking minutes.  
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Compact Disc

For a long time I've turned music into work. A list of albums, A list of songs, A list of bands. A to-do list. Always expanding. Always looming. I watched as the entire catalog of streaming pulled further and further away from me Miles stretching between us As I chased after it. As I chased the high Of obsessive Fiery Passion For every song I saw on the horizon. Then one day I wiped it clean. Burned the list. I bought a CD. A little disc of passionately crafted art Small enough to fit in my pocket—though I wouldn't want to scratch it.  Suddenly, the music was right there in my paws. I could touch it. There was no chase. The music wasn't a looming beast. It was there, in my paws. One album. A selection of songs, and then it ended. I was free, in that moment.
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Please Unlock The Door I'm Scared

I miss you.  Once you were warm and close And your voice was a soft embrace A home I could go back to When the world got too cold. But recently it seems more and more Like the house is a ghost. Nails have gone missing That once bound floor and wall together. Nooks that used to be hidden away In the corners of big, open rooms Have been filled in with concrete. If I leave the house for too long To gather with friends I always worry That when I return All the doors Will be locked. And I'll beg and scream Let me in. I'll have to search for an open window Maybe even climb in Through the second story Just to get inside Away From the cold. One day there won't be an open window. You'll fill the whole house With cement And it too Will lose its warmth. Please unlock the door. I'm scared.
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You're So Brave

Maybe I'll take it all back All the work I've done To find myself. It might be stolen from me, anyway In a single moment A trigger pull And my life is taken By a stranger who thinks They know me better than me And has decided That my life must end. Maybe I'll go back to pretending That I'm one of them Out of fear They'll kill me if I'm not I don't want to be brave anymore. I just want to be left alone.
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She Loves Me

It hurts the worst when I can see how much she loves me But can't feel it Because even in her warm embrace I'm still cold
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Giving

It's easier to look like you're giving it all When you have the world. Just one percent of what you have And that's all it takes But when it's all gone You can give everything you have and more And still it won't be enough.
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