Cancer

When I heard you had cancer

I felt nothing.

What was I supposed to feel? Grief?


How was I supposed to grieve you when I wasn’t really losing anything?

For all my life you’ve made me feel lesser than you.

You put me into this world, and you could take me out.

My feelings never mattered to you.


Maybe I taught myself they shouldn’t matter to me, then.

I taught myself to feel nothing but apathy for you.

When I heard you had cancer

I felt nothing.


Why am I sobbing when I think about you?

I want to cling to you.

I want you to love me.

I want you to hold me.

I want you to make me feel safe

Wanted

Like I’m good enough for you.


I want to be good enough for everyone, really.

I create

I give

I refuse to take

Hoping and praying

That I’m good enough

To deserve the love

Of those closest to me.


That’s what you gave me.


What a thoughtful gift.


Maybe I do love you

Or maybe I’m grieving the possibility that I ever could.

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